Friday, October 28, 2011

Love vs fear

My favorite ice cream is soft serve chocolate and vanilla swirl. Or Neopolitan. Because I don't want plain chocolate or vanilla. I want both. I've never been very decisive. When it comes to choosing, I sometimes get things wrong. I want to be a person who makes decisions out of love, not out of fear. I don't want to simply follow the path of least resistance. But when I'm tired, the path of least resistance, so well lit and clearly marked, looks pretty tempting. And sometimes love looks suspiciously like fear of dying alone. Love is probably second only to Elvis in its number of impersonators.

I thought when I got through my twenties I would be done with all this soul-searching shit. I knew I still had a lot of questions, but I thought I was more or less headed in the right direction. But maybe I will always be a little bit unsure, a little bit lost.

Sometimes it feels like it doesn't even matter what path I choose. In a vast universe of limitless potential and infinite possibilities, I am insignificant, negligible. The thing about life is that it goes on. I know that I am temporary, forgettable, replaceable.

But I want to get better. At making choices, at getting things right. I'm just not sure how to go about doing that.

Lyric of the moment: "I am a visitor here. I am not permanent..."

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