Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Is it ever going to be enough?

When I go in a store like Anthropologie, I fall in love with almost every item of clothing, but I never buy anything there. It's too expensive, their sizing is inconsistent at best and nothing seems to fit me right. When I go to a thrift or secondhand store, I have to wade through a lot of hilariously hideous garments but usually find a few winners, and I don't try anything on until after I buy and wash it, but 90% of the time my purchases fit perfectly. There is probably a lesson in there somewhere.

Sometimes I worry I'll never be satisfied with myself. Every time I achieve something, 10 new goals appear in its place, 10 more ways in which I want to be better, in which I am not yet enough. There is no way I can ever win this game and I only end up making myself miserable for no reason, but I can't let it go. And I don't know why. It's hard to reconcile my desire to improve with my seemingly incompatible desire to be in the moment, happy with things the way they are.

Change is inevitable and I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with wanting to become a better person. Maybe it's more about my attitude towards change than the change itself. If I approach self-improvement from a place of inadequacy, from the belief that I won't be an acceptable person until I look a certain way or achieve certain things, then I will never be enough and I will never be happy. It's a futile and disheartening quest. But if I approach self-improvement from a place of abundance, from the belief that there is beauty and light in everything, I can then embrace change with an open heart and allow myself to evolve, not as punishment for what I am not, but in celebration of what I am.

There must be a way to accept myself as I am while still changing and growing in a positive direction. I haven't figured out how to do so, but I know (or at least I'm pretty sure) it's possible. And if I learned anything from G.I. Joe it's that knowing is half the battle. (They never said what the other half is, but I'm guessing it's doing, and doing is definitely the harder part.)

So much of life is not what happens to you, but your attitude towards it. That probably explains why I have more luck at thrift stores than overpriced mall stores. When I walk into Anthropologie, I immediately feel like I'm not rich, stylish or pretty enough for their clothes. So it should be no surprise that it's hard to feel good about myself there. I've already put myself in the mindset that I'm not good enough. When I walk into a secondhand store, I feel like I'm on a treasure hunt. I'm relaxed and enjoying myself. I'm not distracted by the prices, so I take the time to ask myself, do I really love this piece? And I only buy it if the answer is yes. Not surprisingly, I tend to end up with clothes that I feel comfortable in and excited about wearing.

I'm not sure how to translate this into other areas of my life, but I have to try. I'm not seeking corporeal perfection, I just want a body and a life I feel comfortable in and excited about wearing.

Lyric of the moment: "There's joy not far from here, right? I know there is. This isn't everything you are..."

1 comment:

  1. I just found a blog that totally made me think of you and this post. You are perfect the way you are, Jen! --Sheila :)