Thursday, July 12, 2012

Once in a blue funk

Lately, I've been in sort of a blue funk. I was trying to be happy and optimistic but it just wasn't happening. And I couldn't figure out why. I mean, I was annoyed at not being able to run how I want and upset about Bug's demise (update: Bug ended up getting towed away to Buffalo by some guy who bought him for parts. I like to think that Bug is now an organ donor living on inside other Volkswagens) and having to spend money on a new car (Of course, the whole point of having a savings account is so the money is there when I need it, but I still get panicky whenever I have to spend some of it). But those aren't real problems. Then I ran up Cobb's Hill and around the reservoir a few times (It still hurts to run but I'm like an addict who needs a fix so I've been giving myself a couple of 3 mile runs a week) and I realized the cause of my malaise may be the feeling that I've lost all my means of escape.

A car is my escape from places I don't want to be. My savings account is a sort of security blanket, the option to escape from potential future situations I don't want to end up in. And running is my escape from stress, negative thoughts and everything else. So at the moment I feel a little trapped - in a body I don't like and a life that I'm failing to live to its fullest.
I don't know why I need all these exit plans. I'm not actually trying to escape from anything. I just like knowing I have options. So much of what happens in life seems sort of random and out of my control, but if I'm disciplined and in control of myself, I feel better able to ride the waves life sends my way.

So either I mope around waiting for things to get better (which is totally lame) or I let go and try to be ok with feeling a little out of control for a while.
Lyric of the moment: "All my life I've been good but now, ooohhh I'm thinking what the hell?"

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