Thursday, November 8, 2012

Brief dalliances in irresponsibility

Last week I thought I would try being irresponsible for once. Blow off some steam, act without considering the consequences, enjoy the immediate gratification. Just to see what it was like, because it's so unlike me. And maybe I've been missing out somehow. So I did. And it was fun in a way. But mostly it felt sort of hollow, like this isn't really me and this isn't really what I want. This was only a baby step towards irresponsibility, and even that didn't sit well with me. I'm all for a bit of mischief once in a while, but I think I have to accept that irresponsibility is just not my style.

Oddly enough, that moment is when it finally hit me that this is never going to work out. Rationally I had known it for a while, but the emotions had yet to catch on. It was only in that moment that I finally felt it on a visceral level. This is never going to be what I want and it's only going to make me unhappy.

I don't feel any sadness over it anymore. Remember the love and let go of the hurt and keep going.

Lyric of the moment: "Take your entrance back. Can't let you roam inside my head. I don't want to take what you can give. I'd rather starve than eat your bread..."

1 comment:

  1. Jen, you are an amazing girl. You don't give yourself nearly enough credit for that. Seriously. You don't need to be someone else to be better. Although I know what you mean about wanting to be less responsible and throw caution to the wind. Today I confessed at work that I was thinking about wearing a jean skirt to work (we aren't allowed to wear jeans at all in any form including skirt) and felt like a total rebel. I will almost definitely not wear jeans in any form to work tomorrow. But just voicing that I thought about it made me feel badass. :) --Sheila