Friday, January 4, 2013

Alas, some kind of impasse

Do you ever feel confused, like you don't know what you want anymore? I do, and it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me, like I'm failing at life, at emotions, at being human.

Sometimes I feel like there's this path that I'm "supposed to" be on, but my life doesn't look like that, and I don't know if I even want it to. I'm not unhappy here. But I know the best part of life is other people and that's the direction I'd like to go. So why am I always running away from it? It's not the right time? I don't have feelings anymore? I'm afraid that I'm fundamentally unlovable?

Sometimes I feel like there's no "right" path, no one way to live, that all roads lead to Awesometown. But it's not the destination that's awesome, it's the company you pick up along the way. So I feel stuck at an impasse; there's no point going there alone but I don't think anyone wants to go with me.

I want to fall in love, but I don't know if I remember how. I want a partner, but I don't like the feeling of depending on someone else. I want my head and my heart to join forces for once, but they're both unruly and prone to stupidity.

So there it is.

Now that I've gotten it all out, I can stop thinking about it and let it go.

Someone I love told me "You can't force it. Shit just tends to straighten itself out in time. You just go with it for a while. The more you try and force an outcome you're not really even sure you want, sometimes the worse it gets. And you end up getting something you really don't want. Just go with it, let shit fall where it may."

That sounds good to me. 

Lyric of the moment: "What you don't have you don't need it now. What you don't know you can feel it somehow..." (because I'm hoping this is true)


  1. I agree. Let said shit fall. Preferably in a bano of some sort...

  2. I think maybe you don't want to depend on someone because you haven't found someone yet that you WANT to depend on. I was going to say that is dependable, but I don't know if that's true. I'm sure you've met really nice guys, but clearly not THE nice, dependable guy. Hang in there. You will find what you are looking for. Sometimes I think that's the point of life anyway--to look for what you think you want, then you finally get it, then you realize that that wasn't enough anyway, so you look for the next thing. I don't know if that makes sense. :) --sheila