Thursday, March 14, 2013

Karma said there'd be days like this

Sometimes I have one of those days where I feel like I just can't do it anymore, where I'm tired and disheartened and I want to give up. Why can't I just give up? Why can't I stop hoping for things that will never happen? For the love of cake why? I worry that everyone else is moving on and I'm stuck. I'm happy with my job, my house, myself (for the most part). My life, my finances, everything is in order. So much freaking order that I don't even know what it is all for. It feels like I've reached the limits of what I can do alone. Which is frustrating and annoying. Because I don't want to have limits. I don't want to need anyone else. But everyone needs someone else. No man is an island. No robot is either. But I can't help how I feel. I don't know what my stupid heart is doing, but I'm getting so very impatient. I don't know why I don't have the right feelings. I don't know why, when Bill said "I know I'm not supposed to give you compliments, but you are a remarkable person. You have no idea how much you've got going for yourself" it made me feel sad (instead of happy like a normal person). I don't know what is wrong with me sometimes.

Maybe it's karmic payback for faking a headache to get away from someone. I felt bad about it but seriously, why don't people know that it's not a great idea to talk about the details of your gastrointestinal problems to someone you just met?* While I'm eating. And then ask me what I think is wrong with you. Dude, I'm not Dr. Oz or Dr. Phil. I couldn't begin to guess what is wrong with you. I know it's mean and judgmental and I'm sorry about that, but I just needed to get out of there.

But whenever I get into a funk, something happens. This time it was a text from DJ with a picture of a box of Oatmeal Creme Pies. Which is this joke we've had since high school because I hate them and think they are the grossest thing ever. When I saw the picture I started laughing.  Something as simple as that is enough. Sometimes all it takes is lunch with someone who has known me since I had braces to remind me to chill out and let things work out for the best, as they are wont to do.

I know I'm incredibly fortunate and life is funny and amazing and full of surprises. I know it and yet I don't always feel it. But the awesomeness is always there. And when I forget that, life has a way of reminding me.

Lyric of the moment: "It's not much of a life you're living. It's not just something you take, it's given. Round and around and around and around we go. Oh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know..."

*Unless you're running. For some reason you can talk about anything while running and it doesn't seem weird. Well, almost anything. Probably you should still not talk about say, your serial killing sprees and the corpses in your basement (I have to stop watching Criminal Minds before bed).

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