Saturday, March 23, 2013

Work hard, play hard (die hard?)*

The truth I'm coming to realize is that I would let anyone onto the plane but there are very few I would trust to be co-captain. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Admittedly I have some control issues (See: 2000-2002, so not my best years). I can embrace all the randomness and chaos of life but I cannot stand to be out of control of myself. If you were being kind, you might call it self-discipline, but it's really part of the craziness. The craziness is what compelled me to do every single bit of extra credit in school even though I already had straight A's, what made me run a second marathon because the first one didn't go down how I wanted it to, what drives me to get to work by 7:15 even though no one else gets there until at least 8.

Sometimes I think I just want to do whatever I feel like, screw the consequences. But I don't. Because that's not who I am. And I know it's not going to get me where I really want to be. A life of instant gratification is a dead end. It's small changes, good habits and healthy actions, made consistently and continually, that lead to lasting awesomeness and real fulfillment. I don't want to escape from reality, I want to live it, in all its messiness and beauty.

As much as I sometimes feel like it, I can't give up. I don't have it in me to do anything half-arsed. If I'm in, I'm all in. I will put everything I have into it for as long as it takes. It's the craziness, it's how I'm programmed. I can't change it and I don't really want to. I just have to keep it in balance so it works for me instead of against me. Because I want to let go and enjoy myself, I want spontaneity and adventure. But I also want stability and responsibility. Which seems contradictory but it's yin and yang, balance, everything in moderation. Robots just want to have fun, while also being healthy and saving for retirement.

I think sometimes responsibility gets a bad rap. It sounds boring and dull. But I think it's actually the foundation for true enjoyment. You can't really relax if you're worried about money all the time or involved in crazy personal drama. But if you have your life in order, you have options and resources and the world becomes your playground. At least I hope so. Because I've been working hard for 31 years and now I want to play hard too.

Lyric of the moment: "I don’t wanna go to sleep, I wanna stay up all night, I wanna just screw around. I don’t wanna think about what’s gonna be after this, I wanna just live right now..." (but like in a totally responsible way where I still get to have a 401K)

*Dear Bruce Willis, please pick this as the title of your next movie. And if you have a thirty-something doppelganger, please send him my way.

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