Thursday, May 22, 2014

On acceptance

Yesterday, I was annoyed at myself. For being sick and producing more phlegm than is humanly possible and passing out at 7:30pm. For so easily dismissing a hundred compliments and yet being upset by one (insane, ridiculous, untrue) criticism. But then I got tired of being annoyed and thought accept the things I cannot change. So I accept that I'm sick this week. I hope not, but I may still be sick for Sehgahunda on Saturday. I accept that it's going to be muddy. In all likelihood I will be slow (infinity of apologies to my relay partner, Danielle). I accept that some situations will always make me out to be the bad guy, like whatever I do is wrong or not good enough, like I am this terrible, awful person. I try not to care what people think, but I do care. I don't want to be the bad guy. But if finally moving on from the situations that were always breaking my heart makes me the bad guy, then so be it.

I think maybe we gravitate to the situations that confirm our beliefs about ourselves, thereby making them self-fulfilling prophecies. Maybe that's why I listened to the one voice that told me I'm a bad person, why I worried that maybe this is the price of loving me. I'm so totally over all that nonsense. I'm enough. You're enough. We're all enough. Let's go run through this mud and have a blast and laugh and cheer each other on and be happy and eat HoneyStinger waffles and drink flat coke (apparently it's like rocket fuel for long trail runs. But I still prefer the Mountain Dew).

But seriously, immune system, let's evict this stupid cold already. We have no time to be sick. There are so many adventures ahead of us!

Lyric of the moment: "If there was a better way to go then it would find me. I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me. Be kind to me, or treat me mean. I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine..." (well, maybe someday I will be)

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