Thursday, September 11, 2014

Now what?

The weird thing about getting what you want is that the getting turns out to be the easy part. It's accepting it that's hard. Because to accept this new reality in which you find yourself, a place that quite frankly you always thought was highly improbable, if not impossible, you have to accept that your fundamental assumptions about yourself are not the truths you held them to be. You have to let go of who you thought you were and become the explosion of awesomeness you are.

Don't ask me how to do this. I have boatloads of faulty assumptions that I can't shake. I'm getting rather tired of dragging them around but I haven't figured out what else to do with them. Put them in a box and mail them to a faraway place? Throw them in the fire pit and roast marshmallows over them? Run a 50K and hope they get lost in the woods?

But maybe I am getting close to ditching them, because The Doubts and The Worries and The Ridiculous Irrational Nonsense are out in full-force, like they know they're about to be evicted and they're mounting a counter-attack. Growth is uncomfortable. It's tempting to be lured back into old familiar thought patterns. But they are terrible navigators. They're not going to get me where I want to go. They're not going to help me rise to these new occasions in which I find myself.

So you get what you want and then you have to figure out how to live it. I wanted to run a lot of miles and feel good doing it. I wanted to learn how to enjoy races, which, as it turns out, is very easy to do when I get to run with someone. But then I thought, I can't always depend on someone else being around so I need to run a long race by myself again to prove that I can still do it. Because what if I don't get a partner for the ultimate ultramarathon that is life? I get so restless. I want to go everywhere and try all the things and learn everything about everyone. But I get that it's not the life for everyone. And it's hard to hold on to someone who is always moving, thinking too much, asking 3 new questions while you're still answering the first one.

So I'm here. Things are changing. I am changing. Now what? I don't know. I think, as hard as it is for me sometimes, I just have to relax. Take it as it comes, take it all in and live the shit out of it. Amazing people are everywhere. You can find a lot of them in the woods. And I think I just have to go forth with the attitude that I'm imperfect, at times ridiculous, I'm still figuring things out. But I've got laughs and hugs. And let's all be explosions of awesomeness together.

Lyric of the moment: "Sometimes we walk, sometimes we run away. But I know, no matter how fast we are running, somehow we keep, somehow we keep up with each other..."

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