Monday, November 3, 2014

A cosmic 'I told you so'

Last week a strange sequence of events led me to one of those moments where it felt like everything in the universe was conspiring to tell me I told you so. See? Everything works out for the best. Trust us. Apparently I need even more blatant reminders. Because I still had major angst, about everything, before my race on Saturday. Then once I started running, all I felt was this overwhelming sense of love and contentedness. It was cold and rainy, I was tired and achy and questioning both my ability to finish and my sanity. But mostly I was so, so happy to be there. Increasingly that is also how I feel about my life, that whatever happens there is no place I'd rather be.

I am trying to let go of my insatiable curiosity to know upfront how it's all going to play out and just believe. In the awesomeness of people. And that if there was a better way to go then it would find me. It always has.

I am starting to trust that there is hope for me yet. Though at times I still think maybe I am too weird to get one forever person. I don't mean weird as a pejorative. It's just that I am a lot of sometimes contradictory things. Rational and ridiculous, responsible and restless (almost to a fault on both accounts), feet on the ground and head in the clouds. I want to be independent but also feel like part of a team (I think maybe that's called interdependence). I want a life of travel and adventures, of minimal things and maximum people, of running and partying and enjoying up all of my days. But I understand that other people want different things out of life, that maybe I am too much motion, too much ridiculousness for one person to handle. It's cool. We can still share cookies and conversations about our disparate dreams. Come on in. Stay as long as you like. It's going to be quite a ride.

Lyric of the moment: "Every glorious disaster, every bond is gonna bring you faster out into the light..."

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