Monday, November 24, 2014

Trust your footwork

I've been thinking about a conversation I had with Todd when he picked a greyhound as my baby spirit animal and said "You're a very fast runner without really trying and you tend to be chill after running." I wish I was as fast as a greyhound, especially on trails. Todd said "You just need to trust your footwork on the trails a little more." It's totally true. But I haven't figured out how to do that. There are times I want to let myself go and fly down the hills but I don't feel strong or agile enough for that and I have this nagging fear that every step could be the one that leads to faceplant. I know I need to have faith that my feet will find their way. On the trails of my runs and on the trails of my life. But I don't quite trust myself to take the right steps. Technically there are no "right" steps. But I would prefer to take the ones that don't end with me twisting my ankles and falling down ravines.

Have I learned nothing in all these years of running and living? How can I have still be so bad at this? I keep trying to be different, better, wiser. But I'm still the same person with all the same faults and naiveties, somehow both too stubborn and too flexible, wanting too much. (Though even I have to admit that no matter what shenanigans I've gotten myself into, my ultimate life trajectory has been one of increasing awesomeness. So at least I've got luck on my side, if not skill.)

I have a tendency to get stuck in my head, to run through all the worst case scenarios of what might happen, what I might lose, what people might think. And I have all this accumulated armor. The walls I build out of fear, the impulse to flee when everything is too much. But the armor is not protecting me from anything. All it does is weigh me down. I need to let it go and remember that whatever happens, I will be happy. Because happiness is a choice that I can always make. And the truth is that all roads lead to Awesometown. Some hurt a little more than others. But I can't waste time worrying about that. I have to go forth wholeheartedly, let my feet find their way and make wherever I am the best place to be. And if that place happens to be a ravine, I will get ravine red velvet cookies for all!

Lyric of the moment: "The days will pass you by. Don't wait to lay your armor down..."

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