Thursday, January 22, 2015

Just relax and revel in it

I was having one of those days. Churchill called them Black Dog Days. I felt like crying, only I didn't know why. Nothing was wrong. Then I realized that's exactly what was wrong. It wasn't sadness. It was fear of success. Failure I understand. You try, you fail, you learn, you try again. Failure is motivating, and often hilarious. Success is a complete conundrum. I don't know how to accept it when things are going well. I mean, I enjoy the good things, I feel infinitely grateful for them, I just don't feel like I deserve any of it.
Admittedly, I was a little grumpy over the fact that I had to work late on Friday and go into work for a few hours on Saturday. But then I even felt grateful for that. Do you know what I was doing for most of that time? Arguing with Bill because he was trying to give me extra money to compensate me for my time and I was trying to tell him that I didn't want any money, I just wanted to do my work and go home. To my sweet, snuggly white dog. All of my days are White Dog Days. And I can't for the life of me figure out how I got so lucky.

I remember feeling a sense of loneliness when I was younger, as if I was irreparably weird because I didn't want the same things other people wanted. But I came to realize that those feelings were just faulty constructs of my own insecurities. I could feel at home nowhere or I could feel at home everywhere. The choice was mine. Looking back now I realize that everywhere I went I found people who opened their arms and their hearts to me, who accepted me and forgave my mistakes and made me laugh. They were always there. It was just that sometimes it was hard for me to let them in. Now, every gathering of friends old and new leaves me with a heart so full of happiness and love that I fear it might burst. So I have to keep reminding myself not to question how I got here or why I seem to have exceptionally good luck, but just to relax and revel in it. I have to keep reminding myself that the times I feel most like putting on all the armor or running away are the times I most need to open up instead. Because vulnerability begets strength and temporary discomfort begets deeper comfort with ourselves and our people. I have to keep reminding myself that love is everywhere and everyone deserves it. And everyone includes me.

 Lyric Quote of the moment:  "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?...Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you...And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." —Marianne Williamson

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