Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Poison Oak Diaries: Day 10

Sometimes the cost of adventure is poison oak. I first noticed it on Sunday and it has since taken over the better part of both thighs and my sanity. Sometimes life is a real itch. It will go away eventually. I hope. Until then, nothing to do except sing "That oak is poison!" to the tune of Bel Biv DeVoe's "Poison" and laugh. And try not to scratch.

In the past 10 days I've progressed through the five stages of poison oak:

Stage 1: Denial. That's a sunburn, right? Just a tiny little sunburn. It doesn't itch. That much. It will go away. Maybe it will even turn into a tan. Yeah, that's totally going to happen. I'm not going to scratch it. Ok, maybe just a little scratch.

Stage 2: Infernal Itching. Ahhhhhh! My skin is on fire! Stupid plants always touching me and poisoning me. That's it, plants. I'm super mad at you and you're not getting any Brawndo: The Thirst Mutilator, even though it's what plants crave.

Stage 3: Bargaining. So does this work the other way around? Can I give poison oak back to the plants and get it off of me? I think it should totally be a two way street.

Stage 4: Acceptance. This is my life now. Might as well buy stock in Calamine lotion and Benadryl spray since I'm going to single-handedly keep them in business until the end of time.

Stage 5: Acceptance? Screw That. This has gone on long enough. I mean, it's nice to be so popular and all, but this is getting ridiculous. Mr. Internet told me there is no poison oak, ivy or sumac in Hawaii. Yet another reason I should move there. I guess it's not all bad. If I hadn't gotten poison oak I wouldn't have stumbled across this hilarious gem from the web:

"On April 4, 1892, former U.S. president Rutherford B. Hayes was pruning some Japanese trees on his Spiegel Grove estate in Fremont, Ohio, when he accidentally got poison ivy resin on his hands and face. The next day he arrived as scheduled to make a speech at the University of Wooster. He was not only in discomfort from his red, swollen face, but he was also embarrassed as he felt that his bloodshot eyes made him appear as if he was "just coming out of a spree." The staunchly anti-alcohol Hayes assured his audience that "I have not forsaken my temperance principles and practice. Appearances, I admit, are against me. But, in truth, it is not whiskey but poison ivy that did it." (www.mentalfloss.com)

So you can thank President Hayes for the innovative "I'm not drunk, it's just poison ivy" excuse.

Here's hoping that Stage 6: Sweet Relief (Also known as: I got 99 problems but an itch ain't one) is just around the corner. The corner of Right Now and This Very Minute.

Lyric of the moment: "And I never thought this life was possible..." ~Bright Eyes "Poison Oak"

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