Friday, June 19, 2015

Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey, happy sad stuff

I love Doctor Who for the adventure, the humor, the ridiculous shenanigans. But there's something about it that always makes me sad. I think it's the same thing about life that always makes me sad: the departure of the companions. Sometimes I feel like I have two hearts and they want different things, but the one that wants adventure always wins. And that means inevitably losing some people along the way. I miss Rory. I still miss Donna. And they are just fictional characters.

In a few months, Pete and I will move in together and sadly, Mozzie can't come with me because Pete is allergic to him. The beginning of what will hopefully be a lifetime of adventures with Pete is also the end of my adventures with Mozzie. I don't think I have ever felt so many feelings all at once. Excitement and elation and hope, tinged with sadness and loss and guilt. My heart hurts knowing that soon I will have to say goodbye to my sweet, cuddly Mozzie bear. Caring for him and helping him try new things and be less afraid of the world has been one of the best and most human things I've ever done. I feel sad that my days of watching Mozzie wagging his stubby little tail and running around like a bunny and being so curious about everything are numbered. I feel sadder that it wasn't even a choice. As much as I love Mozzie like he's a person, he's not a person. And Pete is my forever person (or for however long he wants to be).

So my final act as Mozzie's human will be to find an amazing new home for him, where he will feel happy and safe and loved for the rest of his doggy days. I think that's actually the hardest part for me, knowing that he'll be better off at another home, with people who have less wanderlust and more time to spend with him, people with more nurturing, parental instincts. Love and patience and humor, I can do. If you want a partner in adventure, I'm your robot. But I've never been good at the nurturing/caretaking thing.

Not gonna lie, I cried while writing this. Saddest of sad faces. But when I'm sad, I remind myself what a gift it is to feel things deeply, to love something so much as to feel a serious loss at its absence. I like to think of that loss as a commendation of someone's profound impact on my life and of how lucky I am to have had the immense pleasure of knowing them.

Lyric of the moment: "Sooner or later in life, the things you love you lose. But you've got the love I need to see me through..." ~Florence + The Machine "You've Got The Love"

No comments:

Post a Comment