Monday, July 27, 2015

Big, life-changing things

I don't understand why wedding talk is so focused on the minutia of decorations and painstakingly precious party favors. I really don't understand the ubiquity of mason jars. I don't want to talk about those things. I want to talk about how marriage will be the biggest, most life changing thing I've ever done. And how I wish the feelings would act like we're in a Bruce Lee movie and come at me one at a time instead of ganging up on me all at once. And most importantly, I want someone to tell me how to do this marriage thing right. How do two people stay happily married for decades, how do they grow together instead of apart, how do they build a life together while maintaining their own individual awesomeness? Am I the only one who feels totally unprepared and more than a little nervous about all of this?

I don't know anything about anything. My previous relationships failed, and I know it was my fault. They were doomed to be temporary from the start. What's worse, I think maybe that's what attracted me to them in the first place. There was never any real risk on my part. I always had my own house, my 'travel moneys' savings account, my escape plan. But this relationship is different. I think it has a very good chance of going the distance. I'm leaving my house and my escape plans behind. Because they are the past and I don't need them anymore.

For the first time I am taking a true leap of faith and really entwining my life with someone else's. It is exciting but also a little anxiety inducing. I think maybe I'm the kind of person who will always be running, asking too many questions, wanting all the adventure, people, life. This past week, I swam and biked on Monday, did hill repeats on Tuesday, ran trails Wednesday, went to Fit1 on Thursday (it seems like a bad idea when your alarm clock goes off at 4:20am and you know your muscles are going to hurt afterwards, but bunny hopping by a waterfall at sunrise is indescribably magical), did a shakeout run on Friday, went Stand-Up Paddle-boarding on Saturday and ran 17 miles on the Crescent trail on Sunday. And in the middle of that run, even when the humidity was enveloping us and the flies were chasing us, I was just loving it. All I could think was this is it, this is the way I want to spend all of my days. But how do you love someone like that for years and years? I can see how it could be exhausting.

I don't have any answers. If you do, I'd love to hear your advice. But I'm hoping that if I go into marriage with love, honesty, effort, humility and a sense of humor, it will be one hell of an epic adventure.

Lyric of the moment: "There is a design. An alignment to cry. Of my heart to see. The beauty of love as it was made to be. Love that will not betray you, dismay or enslave you. It will set you free..." ~Mumford and Sons "Sigh No More"

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