Wednesday, July 22, 2015

The thing I have to do that I really, really don't want to do

In about 8 weeks, I have to get braces. Again. I am absolutely dreading it. But it has to be done. Otherwise my front tooth will keep pushing further and further outward. And snaggle-toothed villain is not really the look I'm going for. They will be lingual braces that go behind the teeth, so at least they will be somewhat less noticeable. But apparently my tongue is going to hurt a lot for the first week and my speech will be affected for a couple of weeks. So that will be super fun I'm sure. Sarcasm explosion.

And I know this is not a problem. It is a luxury. I'm lucky that I have the option to fix my teeth and the disposable income to afford it. I'm trying to be grateful. And I am. But I'm also just so unhappy about my whole face situation. I already went through far too many years of retainers and braces and headgear. After an awkward phase that lasted the better part of three decades, I guess I thought I was due some kind of respite. Isn't the ugly duckling supposed to turn into a swan at some point? I'm still waiting for that to happen.

The thing that annoys me the most is that it's just so freaking typical. My teeth would rather move all over the place than stay in a straight line. My flat feet refuse to form any kind of arch. My legs and my brain want to go everywhere and do everything, always. I get so restless sometimes, itching for motion, adventure. An itch so deep it feels like it's under the skin, inexplicable and unscratchable. I am a wanderer through and through. Even at the cellular level, apparently. Sometimes that feels like an incorrigible flaw.

I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't even want to think about it. But in case anyone notices me starting to talk funny mid-September, this is why. As if I don't sound weird enough as it is. I saw the video from 0spf (someone made an error in judgment and put me on camera) and I had this horrified moment where I was all "oh god, do I really sound like that?" But here we go. It's another adventure I guess. Though it's one I'm not too thrilled about. I suppose I should just embrace the awkwardness. It looks like I'm going to be here for a while longer.

Sometimes I wish my parts would settle down and get in line and do as they're told. But of course they can't. Neither can I. I've been up by 5am every day this week for pre-work adventures. And I love it, even though it means I go to bed at 9pm like an old person. I can't settle. I don't want to settle. I'm alive and there is so much to do and see and be amazed by.

Lyric of the moment: "But hold me fast, hold me fast 'cause I'm a hopeless wanderer. And hold me fast, hold me fast 'cause I'm a hopeless wanderer. I will learn, I will learn to love the skies I'm under..." ~Mumford & Sons "Hopeless Wanderer"

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