Sunday, November 1, 2015

This is marriage: Day 56

It hit me suddenly, and on a visceral level, this inexplicable sadness. It came on unexpectedly, and at the most inopportune moment, of course. I wonder if it is some law of marriage physics. For every happiness there is an equal and opposite sadness. A sadness that is really fear of loss. I have never been so happy. I have never had so much to lose. I lived for three decades before I met Pete, but now I can barely remember what it was like not to know him. My life is now inexorably linked to his. That is amazing. And also terrifying. Because one day I will lose him. Hopefully that day is far, far in the future. But it will happen. And when it does, it will leave a terrible, gaping hole in my life that can never be filled.

That is what happens when you love anyone. And the closer you are to the person, the bigger the hole their absence creates. And yes, life goes on. You go on. But the hole follows you everywhere. This is what you sign up for when you love. You are knowingly opening yourself up to both immense joy and devastating loss. But you do it, of course you do it. It is the only way to live fully.

Marriage is worth the risk. Totally.

Lyric of the moment: "All I know is that I'm lost whenever you go. All I know is that I love you so, so much that it hurts..." ~Coldplay "Ink"

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