Sunday, April 3, 2016

Sunshine and hail

Saturday morning, on my way to meet Alison and Bob to go run in Ithaca, I got a text from Pete that said "I love you. Off to the gas chamber." (It was gas mask training day. That is a thing, apparently). I laughed, because it's absurd. The reality of our lives this year is just absurd. And then I cried, because WTF humanity? The shit our species is capable of is so fucking depressing sometimes.

Then we went to Ithaca and it was gorges. There was sunshine and waterfalls and hills. So many hills. There were Danger signs, that we climbed over and ran past, of course. Bob said "How dangerous could it be?" It wasn't dangerous. It was fantastic. Then came the hail. You know, because that's how Spring rolls in Upstate NY. We ran faster, because of the hail, and to stay warm. And then the hail stopped and the sun came out and there were more waterfalls. Somehow, every time we got to a waterfall, it was sunny. And then we went to Ithaca Bakery, and later to extreme book club night, where we ate penis pasta and peach pie. And all was right with the world.

Well, almost everything. There is this giant, 6'3'' hole in all my days now. It can't be filled by miles or adventures. It will only be filled when Pete comes home in November. I signed up for all these races thinking they would distract me and make me too tired to worry or have any feelings beyond the desire to eat and sleep. And because they sounded hard. But Pete is doing the really hard things, the 12 hour days and 7 day weeks, far away from home. I think about him all the time. It makes me cry, both from sadness and happiness. It is hard to put into words, this feeling of profound absence mixed with overwhelming gratitude. Because yes, there will be a giant hole in my life for the next 7 months. But it's only because 2 years ago I was lucky enough to meet a giant in the woods who changed my life in every way, who became my partner in love, life and adventure, whose presence is the very best part of all my days.

That's how it's going to be I guess, this weird juxtaposition of aching awesomeness and sublime sadness. That is life. Sometimes you get sunshine, sometimes you get hail. Sometimes you get both. But you just keep going. And it is gorgeous. 

Lyric of the moment: "I know you're sad and tired. You've got nothing left to give. But you'll find another life to live. I know you'll get over it. So when you're caught in a landslide, I'll be there for you, I'll be there for you. And in the rain, give you sunshine. I'll be there for you, I'll be there for you..." ~Oh Wonder "Landslide"

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