Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Adulting. And other things I have yet to master.

Today I got mad at the blender and threw it away. I was attempting to make a smoothie but apparently all the appliances in this house whose job descriptions include crushing ice were on strike. So I was all like "blender, you had one job..." and threw it away. Then there was a knock on the door and it was Danielle bringing me thank you sunflowers (because she is the absolute best!). I put the flowers in a Nalgene bottle because I couldn't find a vase. Probably because I had given them all away last year so I wouldn't have to move them from my old house to our new house. And because when I get upset, getting rid of "stuff" makes me feel better.

I don't like disliking things. I don't like having mean emotions. I just want all warm fuzzies and no cold pricklies. But life is not like that. Sometimes things are frustrating and it can be hard to know what the right thing to do is. I want to be one of those people who always knows the right things to say and do, who comes in and makes everything better. But I'm not that person. I'm not good at taking care of people. I'm good at adventuring and playing outside and finding everything funny. But those are not good "in case of emergency" skills. And then I felt guilty for being out of town when something bad happened and someone needed my help. Even though I changed my plans and came home early, it didn't seem like enough. It didn't seem like I was handling things in the best way. I couldn't even figure out what the best way was.

So I did the best I could in that moment. And I felt the uncomfortable feelings, because sometimes that's all you can do. And then later I threw away the blender, because taking out the bad feels on an inanimate object seemed like a better option than letting them pile up until they inadvertently got taken out on someone else.

Some days it's hard not to feel like I'm failing at everything, like I'm always going to be the wrong sort of person in the world. But then there's a knock at the door and a friend shows up and makes me feel like the luckiest. And I just want to live up to the awesomeness of the people surrounding me.

Lyric of the moment: "When something's broke, I wanna put a little fixin' on it. If something's bored, I wanna put a little excited on it. If something's low, I wanna put a little high on it. If something's lost, I wanna fight to get it back again..." ~Pearl Jam "The Fixer"

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